One of the biggest mental challenges these past few weeks has been the waiting. At every point there has been an agonising wait. Whether that has been waiting for Chris to message me when he was in the hospital that first instance, waiting for appointments to come through or physically waiting outside whist Chris is at the hospital. At this particular time I am sat in the car, for an hour after his appointment.
Since Chris diagnosis last Thursday I have spent hours waiting outside in the cold and rain. Worrying when he has been in my eyes “too long”. Has something happened? Is he ok? My poor sister has endured many a phone call of me despairing, crying and just chatting gibberish to try and get through the waiting with my sanity intact.
Of course this is made a whole lot worse by covid. I’m not allowed to be there when he needs me most, when he is anxious about what’s going to happen, I have to drop him at the door or leave him sitting alone in the waiting room. It’s been so hard when every fibre of me just wants to be there to hold his hand. Instead I’m constantly checking my phone, can I go and meet him now? I know it can’t be helped with the pandemic, hospitals need to be extra careful. But for me it’s preventing me from being their to support the man I love.
So if you happen to get a random phone call or message I will probably be waiting somewhere. Maybe just need to chat about anything or rant (seriously I could go on and on about Northampton hospital) but if you could pick up that would be great.