People keep asking me how I feel, and to be honest, it has been hard to define. But, two emotions are dominant.
Firstly, the guilt I feel at putting my family through this. As many of you already know, Christmad Day didn’t really go to plan. We were having a lovely morning. Presents had been opened and a cooked breakfast consumed. I was simply sitting on the sofa when my face started twitching... and then I was having a full blown seizure. The kids all witne it, and saw the ambulance come to see me. I then spent all afternoon in hospital.... feeling guilty that I had spoiled their Christmas. It’s been hard anyway dealing with the fact that I’m so tired and not much help around the house. I cant be the father and husband I was and that is hard. I feel guilty that Tracey has to take on so much. I feel guilty that the kids are being affected - Isaac in particular is findimg it all hard. We have daily emotional outbursts.
I also feel guilty about work..... making colleagues have to take on more workload to cover for me last term when workload and stress was already high. Also feel guilty about the kids - for example my tutee who didn’t have the best end of term - making some bad decisions and I feel bad I wasn’t there to support him.
But when I think about these more closely all the guilt about feeling poorly I can’t help. My oncologist has been very clear that my cancer is completely random. There is nothing I have done that could have prevented it. It is not related to any lifestyle it’s just the unluck of the draw.
as for work.... it’s because I care about the children I teach that I sometimes feel I let them down. For example there was a girl - T who I taught since she was in year 2 and she also didn’t always make the right choices but when she was in my tutor group we built a close relationship but I then felt I could have supported her better in her final year. it meant that after that I havemade sure I have been there to support children such as M, L and T‘s younger sister S
this is something I am proud of, especially when these former pupils have sent me lovely messages and even joined in with my charity quiz.
I teach children from year 1 upwards. S and L I taught every year for 10 years so feel I know them really, I feel more like a proud uncle to them than just a former teacher.
I am proud to have been part of their journey so far and hope that I may have had a positive influence on them beyond simply teaching them about computers.
my proudest moment of the past year was taking S and three other girls to the semi-finals of the Cyberfirst competition. There were all sporty girls and computer geekery and cyber security is not something they would have chosen to take part in but they stepped up to the challenge for me.
I am incredibly proud of these children. Proud of T and S - I would love them to know my daughter, they would be great influences on her.
I am proud to have inspired an influenced others . Pride might be one of the seven deadly sins, but every time I get a message thanking me for my ideas and creativity it gives me the strength to push the guilt to the side and focus on being Ann inspiration. That’s how I want to be remembered
and as for my own children.... these past few weeks have been very tough for them, but they have been amazing. It was so nice when Isaac helped me with the quiz. Quizzing is a bit of a family tradition with both my father and grandfather being pub quiz fans. It’s just such a shame we never had chance to be a team together.
one thing I’ve really been keen on doing is build my relationship up with each of the children so tHey have special memories and the know how proud I am of them.
and as for Tracey.... I couldnt be prouder. She has been amazing in very very difficult circumstances. im not sure how I would cope otherwise. I know it sometimes must seem to her that I’m locking things away, but I just don’t want to be the cause of her upset and hurt. She doesn’t deserve this. And I am so proud of how her friends have rallied around to support her. It just shows how fondly she is thought of and what a lovely genuine person she is. She sometimes doubts this, but hopefully she realises now that she is very special to lots of people.
i Love you Tracey, Isaac, Noah and Imogen